As I have taught and discussed the topic of forgiveness over the years, I have realized that people sometimes have misunderstandings or misconceptions about what it means. In this post, I want to point out some common “myths” about forgiveness in hopes that pointing out various things that forgiveness is NOT will help us better understand what it is.
A few quick disclaimers before discussing these myths. First, I want to note that this list is not meant to be exhaustive, as I am sure that there are more myths out there. Second, these are my reflections on the subject; I did a quick website search on “forgiveness myths” and found other posts on the same subject but chose not to do a deep dive into them for this post. Third, this post is not meant to offer a comprehensive overview on the subject of forgiveness since there are countless articles and books on the subject. If you are looking for a deeper exploration of forgiveness, the book I would suggest would be Timothy Keller’s Forgive: Why Should I and Why Can I?, which happens to be the last book he published before his death from cancer in 2023.
Myth #1 – Forgiveness is Optional
Sometimes people believe forgiveness is good and something Christians should strive to do, yet harbor unforgiveness in our hearts because of the pain we’ve experienced. However, the Bible not only commands us to forgive in multiple places (see e.g., Colossians 3:13; Ephesians 4:32) but Jesus says that it is essential because if we don’t forgive others of their sins then our sins aren’t forgiven (see Matthew 6:14-15; 18:35). In fact, every time we pray the Lord’s prayer – the one that Jesus taught his disciples – we ask God to forgive us as we have forgiven others. We should not read these words as telling us that God only forgives us after we have forgiven others, but rather that when we have experienced God’s forgiveness for our sins, we will then be people who forgive others. A lack of forgiveness raises the question of whether we have really experienced God’s forgiveness. Thus, we can’t view forgiveness as an optional thing for Christians to do but an essential mark of a Christian.
Myth #2 – Forgiveness Means Saying Something Bad Wasn’t a Big Deal
Forgiveness is not excusing the wrong that was done or saying it was okay. It is actually the opposite. It is acknowledging and naming something as being wrong but releasing your desire to personally punish them for it or to seek revenge. Those words were chosen carefully;a person being released from such vengeance does not preclude them from facing other consequences for their actions, especially if they are not repentant of those actions or if others need to be protected – and in some cases, the one needing protection from the individual themselves.
Therefore, if a crime has been committed, you can forgive a person and still report it to authorities. Forgiving the person is letting God and the authorities deal with their wrong rather than taking it into your own hands. It also acknowledges that God can forgive them of their sin – as there is no sin that God can’t forgive – and hoping that they can find that forgiveness so their life can be transformed even while they reap the worldly consequences of their actions.
Myth #3 – Forgiving Someone Requires Them to First Apologize or Repent
I’ve heard people say that they will only forgive someone if they apologize or acknowledge their sin or wrongdoing. While this may seem reasonable, the command to forgive others does not say that we should only forgive after receiving their apology or acknowledgement, but rather to forgive people even before that. This misunderstanding sometimes arises because of another myth that I’ll discuss below concerning the relationship between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness does not wait for them to take the first step. Rather, it is doing what God does and taking a step towards us even when we are sinners who do not want to acknowledge our sin.
Myth #4 – Forgiveness Requires You To Become Friends with a Person
A person’s repentance and apology are not required for you to forgive them, but I would say that they are necessary for reconciliation, though they do not guarantee restoration of a relationship. There are wonderful stories of people who are able to be in a relationship with others who have done great harm to them; those are powerful and amazing stories that I think only happen through the working of the Holy Spirit.
I am also not sure if every time a person confesses, you just go back to the way things were. I think of the example of David and Saul; Saul tries to kill David time and time again and then says that was wrong, but David does not go back with him in 1 Samuel 25. We are required to forgive someone, but we might not trust them as we did before. We should not view them as enemies or hold grudges, but we might have certain barriers for a time or even permanently in light of the harm and hurt that has happened. Doing so, though, should not be because of a grudge towards them or out of hatred for them but rather a way to seek to live in wisdom and peace in the midst of a world that still has the scars and pains that arise because of sin. While we might not be reconciled and friends with the person on earth, we should remember and look forward to the day that we can be together in worship in heaven, as it is only there that the pains and tears that come from sin will be fully healed.
Myth #5 – Forgiveness Means Forgetting Something Happened
The expression “forgive and forget” may be one that we hear often but one that I think is misleading. When we forgive someone, we are telling them that we will not hold this against them but that does not necessarily mean that we just forget or pretend like it never happened. If we did in fact “forget,” that might not be a loving thing for them, as you may allow them to repeat the same behavior which will hurt them and others. Instead of saying, “all is forgotten,” I think it is better to say that we are called not to actively remember it. We are not to hold their past actions over their head, telling them that they owe us one – or a lot – because of our forgiveness. We shouldn’t use it to elicit guilt or shame in them. But we should remain aware of it for their own benefit and that of others.
Myth #6 – Forgiveness is Easy
We sometimes hear stories of people forgiving others for things and think that it should be easy. They likely struggled with it a lot more than you realize. In addition, the fact that we see so much teaching on it in the Bible implies that is going to be a challenge; God does not command us to do the things that come naturally or easily but to do the things that we struggle with and can only come with his supernatural help. The process of forgiveness might not be immediate and may be a journey of years of knowing you need to and desiring to forgive someone but still struggle to do so. Rather than being discouraged by the struggle, I think you should be encouraged that you are seeking and trying to do so, continuing to ask for God’s help in the process.
Myth #7 – Forgiveness is Impossible
Forgiveness might not be easy, but it is not impossible when we have experienced forgiveness through Christ. The forgiveness we have through Christ is what can empower us to be able to forgive others for what they have done. In fact, this is why I think that the command to forgive is linked with the idea that Christ has forgiven us (e.g., Ephesians 4:32). The fact that Christ forgives us over and over again allows for us to not just forgive someone up to seven times but seventy times seven (or seventy-seven times, depending on how you read Matthew 18:22), a number that is not meant to present a rigid limit but to say “over and over again.”
God provides the strength we need to be able to do the essential but challenging work of forgiving others. Forgiveness doesn’t deny that something wrong happened nor does it require an apology but at the same time, it also does not mean becoming best friends again or forgetting what took place.
We often think that forgiveness is for the benefit of the other person, but often forgiveness is what our heart needs to do so that God’s power overcomes not just the sins that we have done but also the sins that have been done to us.
Having learned more about forgiveness by looking at these myths, the question I would like to pose to you is: is there someone that you need to forgive – or is there someone whom you need to ask forgiveness from?
Questions about the Bible or theology? Email them to Pastor Brian at Theology@WeAreFaith.org. You can also email to be added to the list that receives weekly emails with our blog posts.
